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Acknowledgment vs. Recognition

August 3, 2017

Getting acknowledgement for a task or accomplishment feels good and we all need it from time to time. Recognition is similar but is based more extrinsically. I have grappled with this recently quite a bit. My motivation to do something stems from a place of recognition and this isn’t healthy. We all from time to time will invite people over to light a fire under our asses to clean. But when it is the only reason you care is rooted in what someone ELSE might think … It feels heavy. I have always been a high achieving people pleaser. Often seeking the acknowledgement for a job well done but the motivator was initially intrinsic not based on an extrinsic need for recognition. The ability to share every aspect a day on social media, seeking recognitoon can be an addictive drug. With drawing from recognition is similar to withdrawing from an addictive substance (without the physiolocal symptoms of the flu or a cold like with opioids or tremors or DTs like with    ETOH) however  the crankiness, the labole mood, and feeling of being unrooted, and breaking those micro habits associated with the drug of choice are real. I broke up with Facebook. I have done it before. It’s an on again off again kind of relationship… (I had one of those in my 20’s… )  it’s not sustainable. It’s not balanced. It’s awesome and horrible at the same time. And at some point you realize… This just can’t keep going on. I need to just quit this bull shit. So I did. I deactivated (it’s not like I threw away everything from that relationship in 20’s either. I still got a box of pictures stashed somewhere. ) So I am not about to delete Facebook, I got a decade of pics on there! It’s been a week so far. I am definitely going through withdrawals. But I rebounded with twitter!!!! It’s better, streamlined… Only 140 characters… Yeah  like an alcoholic who gave up booze for cigarettes. Fuck. Well… Now I am weaning off “the tweeter.”  I am not quitting IG. It’s like my coffee. You’ll pry coffee from my dead fingers … Though I might go on a caffeine detox from time to time… I will NEVER entirely quit all Social media… No matter how many studies say it scientifically proven to contribute  to depression, obesity, and sitting with an open jar of peanut butter at 1 am..  Ok maybe not the last one. It’s not scientifically proven…

So here I am looking at my female personality archetype (thanks to Dana James) and had this aha moment. Working on being more aware of my achieving and nurturing facets to my core. Being aware is the first step.

Acknowledgement vs recognition any thoughts about this? Share in the comments below. Thanks for reading.

a step in the direction of courage

September 9, 2016

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My partner in activism, Amelia.

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Live video outside of Kare11 studios to protest.

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Amelia and I at the Green Party Booth at the Minnesota State Fair

For the last 8 years my mind’s focus was completely on my children and rarely about myself. It’s ok. It’s not a problem, it is just what often happens during the beginnings of motherhood. Now that my last nursling is weaned and unlatched in many ways. I have felt myself unlatch and open. I feel opened, centered, and ready. The time of rest and centering on my children provided me with a perspective I am utilizing in my next steps. I feel like motherhood has provided me with a deeper empathy for our world and environment. Through childbirth and mothering I found my strength, and voice. And now, rounding the corner into my 40’s my voice strong, loud, and focused. But mostly, my fear is gone. I am not afraid to stand and speak and push back. I am not as easily convinced and am digging deeper for the answers I am seeking. Itching to go back to school, but not entirely sure what to pursue. My career as a RN (in a conventional sense) is likely over and I am ready to take on the next challenge of my life. I don’t want to do the same thing until I retire but build upon my knowledge, grow, and expand. I often thought of myself as one of those people who “don’t do things like change my career.” But I am coming to realize a life of fear and anxiety of change is not a life I want to lead. So here I am with my daughter speaking up. While the protest didn’t occur outside of Kare 11 because we were the only people to show up. I look back on that night and wish we could have just gotten out of the car and stood (even if alone) to make a statement. Not worried so much about the change is affect but just the principle of standing up and speaking. Each day is a step toward bravery. It wasn’t a failure but a step in the direction of courage. I hope I am teaching Amelia about courage, integrity, and conviction, while being open minded to change mid-stream if needed.

August 24, 2016

A follow up to my last post. image

Considering the path forward.

August 21, 2016

Over the last six months my world has contracted and expanded in ways I never imagined; externally, and more importantly internally. Imbalanced, because I feel the energy is shifting in tectonic proportions around the world, as if we are on the verge of a huge eruption. Gusting energy in exhausting proportions in search of the Truth. As I strive to find my foothold to ground and rebalance, it’s hard not to look around at those who are walking through the augmented reality. Its hard not to scream, explaining the system in which they live is all a myth.

 

 

Spring a time for renewal

March 21, 2016

While I have been bouncing back and forth between wanting to be around people and wanting to just give a big middle finger to the world. I have decided to just scale back my investment into my community and invest more into myself and my family. Which is where community and peace start right?

So in this the first day of Spring, I am taking advantage of the bounty of vegetables available and am going to invest in becoming a more healthy person. My eating habits went into the toilet big time this Winter. I have gained about 25lbs. I know I look heavier and that is ok, but what isn’t ok is how my body feels with this weight. I feel old. I feel tired. So if shedding the weight will help, and I can get back into my old jeans that is just gravy. If I don’t lose any weight but I feel better I am completely ok with that too. But I honestly think for my body the two go hand in hand. I have set a goal for this weight loss I am not going to publicly share because studies show once you share your goal you are less likely to achieve it. (Counter intuitive I know.)

So that is that for now. I am still knitting, every day and love it. I am going to add some exercise and use knitting as a reward. 🙂 We all have what motivates us.

Winter Song

December 22, 2015

I love Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, so to put them in a song together is just magic to me. As is the adorable video. I love details of the knits and glasses. I kinda want to see a short film about these characters, so much back story to be told here. Enjoy. This song is like a warm drink and a cozy soft sweater on a long December night.

Winter Song – Sara Bareilles

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you’re not where you belong;
inside my arms.

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause you’re not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?

Sick ZoZo

December 18, 2015

My little zozo bumped her head on tuesday afternoon, hard enough it warranted a trip to the ER for a check. Then early Wednesday evening she spiked a high fever (It was 4 am and she was comfortable so I didn’t check it.) I let it ride because the body makes fevers for a reason. (To kill the bad guys.)  But the next morning she had spiked to 103 so she got some advil which brought it down. She was a bit of a fussy pants all day. Read more…

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