It’s all so fleeting. I try to stay present, calm, and concentrated on my children, yet I am yanked away by life, and meals, and well my own inner dialogue. Time never stops. My children are growing each day, and there is nothing I can do about it, and honestly I wouldn’t change that if I could. Sometimes though, I wish I could just linger on a moment here, and a moment there, and just hit the pause button for a day or so. Our Zoey, will be two in September– my heart aches at the thought. While I know we are done-done-done having babies, and my rational mind is a-ok with this, my sentimental mind aches for another. For anything to savor the youngness, the tiny child phase just a bit longer, to have something to hold on to, as if I could possess time in my arms. If I have just one more baby, then they aren’t all grown, up just yet. I don’t rationally live in this denial but, my heart aches for the tiny baby noises, wrinkled little fingers grasping the air, and the sweet smell of breast fed poo. My youngest, even though she is 21 months, is still very much a baby. She still nurses, grips my finger, and babbles incoherently. She also is talking in short sentences, running, throwing complete tantrums, and growing a clever sense of humor. Vacillating between time –the pendulum swings back and forth. Back and forth. So, while I sit here grasping for some solo time, I forfeit snuggling with Zoey. I feel guilt, and panic. This is the internal battle of self-care, motherhood, and being present, while maintaining a my own individuality. Back and forth…back and forth. Time stops for no one. Each day at a time.
(I’ve shared this before, it is too wonderful to only share once.)
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
© Mary Oliver
Older, Younger, Both
“Older, Younger, Both” from Coming Back to the Body by Joyce Sutphen. © 2000 by Joyce Sutphen. Used by permission of Joyce Sutphen and the publisher, Holy Cow! Press.
Source: Coming Back to the Body (Holy Cow! Press, 2000)
To Be Held
Linda Hogan, “To Be Held” from Dark. Sweet. Copyright © 2014 by Linda Hogan. Reprinted by permission of Coffee House Press.
I received a sour dough starter approximately 6 weeks ago from an ECFE classmate. I was SUPER excited since my past attempts at sourdough bread making were a complete failure. Well I actually never got to the bread part last time, I couldn’t get my culture to start. It was gross, and I skipped out of it. This time, oh this time it is so different. Armed with an established and proven starter, I was ready to bake baby! And bake I did. Read more…
Amelia had the day off from school today for teacher conference prep, so we had “Girl Time.” After dropping Maxman off at preschool, Amelia, Zoey, and I headed over to Heartfelt in Linden Hills. If you are in the Twin Cities area, you should definitely make a visit to this adorable craft/ Waldorf/ toy store.
They have monthly anytime crafts you may drop in and create without a reservation . Today Amelia created a peg doll necklace for herself and her grandma for her birthday. She delighted in designing the dolls to look like her grandma and herself.
We worked up an appetite from all that crafting and walked over to Tillia for a small snack of cookies, coffee, and juice.
Being a stay at home mom definitely has its perks. One of which is hosting playdates! Max is a very VERY social boy. While I LOVE to play with him, and I do often, my ability play as intensely and frequently as he would prefer is limited. (Gotta take care of the baby, tidy the house, make dinner, fold laundry, etc… and usually he doesn’t like to join me on these tasks. Trust me I’ve tried.) Play dates are the answer! Max and his friend L play wonderfully together without much need for parental interjection or direction. They both love LEGOS and pirates and sports and mud. Today while L was over it rained. They asked if they could work with the play doh, I surprised myself by saying yes.
Miss Zoey was really getting into it. This is the first time I’ve seen her really use the tools to manipulate the dough. Max and L made me a feast of ice cream and cookies. YUM!