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Falling apart and a tangent and how group mentality makes me nauseous

December 4, 2015

I feel like one of those people who age really fast. Like one moment they look young, and the next they are wrinkled and grey. I find nothing wrong with becoming wrinkled and grey, it’s the speed at which it seems to be occurring.

It is a testament to the fact you need to move to stay young, and I haven’t been moving my body as much. My foot/ leg  infection over the last month has been limiting me. Sometimes it’s a good thing, because I don’t sit well. Other times when I just want to go for a walk it aches and hurts. I love walking and biking so this is very hard. I gained back the weight I lost this fall. My body seems to be crumbling, starting with one piece slowly and then all at once. My leg, a weird intermittent sensation in my chest, a horrible headache this morning, a severe lack of energy, which doesn’t help my SAD. I am a fighter though, fighting the urge to hermit away and crumble. So even if I feel like my body is falling apart, I am going to bring something together. Tonight I am hosting a knit together with some friends. I am seeing those as a literal knitting group, but also a figurative way to knit together a community. “A knit together”. I love INCLUSIVE community building. Community building that hides behind a guise of exclusivity is not building community, it’s building a clique or a club. While those within those clubs and cliques may find the support they crave, those outside of those groups who are excluded on the sole basis that they aren’t a member, is not the vibe I like to perpetuate. So I am inviting people who are in many circles of my life, and hoping the circles mesh in a way above “group” life. If a person is my friend, it goes against my nature to exclude them when they could easily be included even if they aren’t a member of a large “online group.” It’s like an adult sorority, not my jive but I am still friends and will include those who are part of that group in my life, even if I can’t be part of theirs. Cause that is how I roll.

This attitude stems from moving a lot as a child. And when I say a lot I mean I attended close to a dozen elementary schools. In some schools I was welcomed and included immediately, in others in order to play with a certain group of girls I had to be voted in and told I couldn’t invite my other friends to play with us because they weren’t part of the group, and in others I was completely outcasted. The second scenario really hit home to me, I remember wanting to be part of this cool group badly, while stimultaneously befriending a less popular girl in my class. When I started in the class the popular leader was on vacation, so they said I could hang out with them until she got back and then they would vote to see if I could continue. So the day came when the leader returned, and so the voting day. They told me if I wanted to be part of their group I couldn’t play or talk to the less popular girl. I agreed, hesitantly. And the girls walked away and talked about my potential status. Just as they did the less popular girl came over and asked me to play with her, I looked at them, I looked at her. And I walked away with my new friend. The popular girls were upset. They said that I wouldn’t have another chance to be in their group. I said that is ok, I want to be friends with her too and do stuff with her too. I like you all too, but I don’t want to have to choose. You are all welcome to still hang out with me if you want, but I like to choose my own friends and don’t like a group dictating who I can and can’t include. I only stayed at the school another month or so. I ran into the leader a couple years later at a birthday party for a friend from a completely different school. She told me she was pissed but was like shit that girl was brave. The other girls wanted to be mean to me but she told them not to because I wasn’t mean to them. She told me that her group didn’t last much longer after my leaving. I had no idea it was a turning point in a 5th grade clique. No one had denied them before. So as an adult I don’t want anything to do with a group who can’t allow its members to include outsiders who may even know most of the insiders to events to gatherings or what not, this doesn’t mean I don’t want anything to do with the people in the group, I just don’t want part of the group mentality. It kinda makes me want to vomit.


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