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Fleeting

July 1, 2015

It’s all so fleeting. I try to stay present, calm, and concentrated on my children, yet I am yanked away by life, and meals, and well my own inner dialogue. Time never stops. My children are growing each day, and there is nothing I can do about it, and honestly I wouldn’t change that if I could. Sometimes though, I wish I could just linger on a moment here, and a moment there, and just hit the pause button for a day or so. Our Zoey, will be two in September– my heart aches at the thought. While I know we are done-done-done having babies, and my rational mind is a-ok with this, my sentimental mind aches for another. For anything to savor the youngness, the tiny child phase just a bit longer, to have something to hold on to, as if I could possess time in my arms. If I have just one more baby, then they aren’t all grown, up just yet. I don’t rationally live in this denial but, my heart aches for the tiny baby noises, wrinkled little fingers grasping the air, and the sweet smell of breast fed poo.  My youngest, even though she is 21 months, is still very much a baby. She still nurses, grips my finger, and babbles incoherently. She also is talking in short sentences, running, throwing complete tantrums, and growing a clever sense of humor. Vacillating between time –the pendulum swings back and forth. Back and forth. So, while I sit here grasping for some solo time, I forfeit snuggling with Zoey. I feel guilt, and panic. This is the internal battle of self-care, motherhood, and being present, while maintaining a my own individuality. Back and forth…back and forth. Time stops for no one. Each day at a time.

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