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Scanxiety

February 9, 2015

Today we scan and we wait…again. This will be our life for the next 5 years. I took a double dose of melatonin last night trying to calm my nerves down. Nope. I have been up since 3:30am, and clocked in about 3 hours of sleep.

“Are you anxious about tomorrow?” I asked Guy

“No, its just more of a pain in the ass.” Guy said.

So I wouldn’t be an additional pain in his ass, I said yeah I know. I know because even though this affects me, it isn’t happening directly to me. I know that even though I practiced oncology nursing for over a decade every person handles their treatment differently than their family and it’s ok. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to talk to him about how I was feeling but, it won’t change anything. It won’t change the diagnosis or the treatment or anything. So we will do this over and over and over for 5 years. They call it surveillance, it was what he opted for instead of “chemo.” I don’t blame him. The survival rates were the same with our without the chemo. Why go through it? It does feel so passive. Through this experience though I have learned that passivity sometimes does just as much good as fighting.

So today he gets a scan and we wait.

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In other news, Max has a weird afebrile rash. I don’t know what it is, but it is driving him nuts. While Guy is getting scanned I will be taking Max into the pediatrician probably for some cortisone, I hope. I really hope it isn’t anything more serious. Seriously, can my kids stay well for more than 5 minutes. I planned a playdate at my home tomorrow, and I have a job interview on Wednesday. Max woke up around 4:45am. I tried some diluted baking soda on his most angry bump, but no avail. I finally, after much whimpering and itching just gave him some ibuprofen, perhaps it may bring down the inflammation. (How I love NSAIDS.) He is in the family room watching Veggie Tales in the House…or something like that on Netflix. God Bless Netflix.

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This brings me to now. I have my meal plan done. A homemade pie crust rolled out and chilling to make a requested quiche for Guy. And even though it doesn’t feel awesome, life is really quite good. I have an amazing husband who loves me whole heartedly as I love him. He is also a wonderful father to our children. Our home is warm, and full of food. I honestly want for nothing significant. I don’t have lots of needs or wants in the material sense in the first place. I worry though, I worry about getting too comfortable. I worry about losing my Love, but I can’t live like the worst is going to happen because it probably won’t. The statistics are on his side. So I will cling to that and to him, and to our love.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Cherie permalink
    February 23, 2015 10:34 pm

    Much much love to you! Just now seeing this, know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

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