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Finding Accomplishment

October 25, 2010

24 hours in a day. 8 hours spend (hopefully) sleeping. Which leaves 16 hours.

16 hours.

Why is this not enough time? Never enough time.

960 minutes, never enough.

Enough time for what?

To feel accomplished. But what does “accomplished” feel like and what do I need to do in order to feel this way. Perhaps the feeling is obtained not in what I do but in what I don’t do.

I do know what the opposite of “accomplished” feels like, defeated.

I tend to feel defeated by time everyday.

Is accomplishment found in a clean home? Is accomplishment found in folded laundry? Sometimes.

BUT How can I feel accomplishment when my daughter is begging me to play with her, to read with her, to cuddle with her? How? 

I tend to feel defeated by time everyday.

Must I trade a tidy home for time with my daughter? A tidy home! Where is the accomplishment in this, when my most important priority, my child, is attention deprived?

Oh, those smiling gleaming clean dishes will again tomorrow be covered in food. But, my daughter and son will never be this young again ever, ever.

I need to redefine my definition of accomplishment and say to hell with those who judge my home. I need to play without guilt!  I need to let go of unrealistic personal expectations, comparisons to other moms who seem to “have it all together”. I need to do these things in order to be open. Open to my daughter and her childhood. Open to my son and his smiles. Open to the accomplishment  found in spending irreplaceable time with my children.

I know I can schedule time to clean and I don’t need to throw it all out the window and live in a sty.What I am referring to the guilt I feel playing with my kids when my house is a disaster and then the guilt I feel not being completely present in those moments with my kids. In addition, the anger and jealousy I feel when I see my husband playing with the kids.

I have got a to let go, and have faith if I don’t do it, it will be done. Later, by me or someone else.

Most days I feel like I am no good at this “mom” thing. Covered in spit up, dishes piled high, dirty clothes replicating exponentially, pasta for dinner again, I determined the funk I smell is me since I haven’t showered since Saturday. Most days I feel defeated by time, by life, by parenthood. Most days I feel imbalanced between mothering and housework.

(Linked to steady moms’ 30-minute-blog-challenge )


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2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 6, 2010 10:12 am

    NO mom in the world feels like she has it all together, and if there is one then that’s the one who really is messed up. No one has it together. Playing and being there for your kids is IT. That’s the whole thing in my opinion…add the hubby and you have it all together. The house doesn’t mean so much and I figure if someone is judging my house, they aren’t my kind of people. Leave em behind. Sanitary is all I am going for! 🙂 And sanity? Hm…sometimes…only sometimes. Enjoy playing.

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