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Authenticity

October 3, 2010

 

 

When I started to blog in 2003 it was a venture of personal expression. My hopes. My fears. My dreams. My life.

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

Patience is a virtue of which I have plenty.
Are these captions truly reflective of who I am. What can you glean from this? Can you feel passion the of my soul, the perspective of my eyes, the weight of each breath I inhale, the restlessness of my feet? I feel like no matter what I write, or what I project, I remain an enigma, mainly to myself. I am in this self-proclaimed box of a career. I have allowed nursing to define me, I should define it. Though, the meticulous nature of nursing is an aspect of my multifaceted nature.

I need an outlet of expression.

I yearn to paint, sing, write, speak, and love.

Patience is a virtue of which I have plenty. The Lord will reveal His plan for me.

Side note : I strive to plant my feet in a place and my soul in a heart that feels like home.  Maybe it is love within me stirring like a broken circuit. [omit] This sounds sad…but I am not sad…just pensive. Sad and happy at the same time. [I am] Just hoping to meet people who can inspire, teach, and ignite my soul and vice versa.

And now…

I am “The Girl Who Might” have a really boring blog about nothing personal.

Why?

Fear.

What am I afraid of?

Getting too honest with you? Perhaps.

Getting too honest with myself? Probably.

Retaliation from [omit] for speaking my mind about the state of my career? Most definitely. (Already happened).

How can I be authentic on this blog?

::::

A lot has changed in my life and in my self since I started blogging in 2003.

I now define my “self” first as mother, (I sit here blogging hoping my daughter will stay asleep long enough for me to down my coffee…whoops, I spoke to soon. She is up.) Second, as wife to my love, Guy. I am BEYOND lucky to have a such a wonderful, loving, caring husband. Third, as a nurse.

But where am I?

Where is Kristina?

Why define myself at all? I guess it is what we do as humans. Organize our lives into neat little boxes. Since I am on the subject of “definition”. Mother hood defines a woman, even if she likes it or not. We discover the best and the worst self (s) through motherhood (and fatherhood). Children are authentic. They are children, you know!

My life has changed and to deny this change is to deny my life.   How I look at myself,  my values,  and priorities are forever changed by motherhood. It’s not just about me anymore.

But where am I?

:::later in the day:::

Amelia said something profound, yet simple, to me while I was driving.

“Mommy’s lost, where you goin’ mom? Go back mom.”

She had noticed, I missed the turn on to our street. (Did I mention Amelia is 29 months old?)

:::

Authenticity? What is it? How do I find it?

Authenticity.

Authenticity isn’t a destination to be found, it is something I am striving to be.

It is reflected in my roles as mother, wife, and in my career as a nurse. But isn’t it more than this?

Unstifled being.

I will attempt from now on to be more, authentic for you. But mainly for me. So, when I look back on this blog, it will be more than a collection of household tips, recipes, or quips about my children.

I desire to write as I once did, unencumbered.

Can I accomplish this? I don’t know.

Without sounding too much like an “Oprah Winfrey” guest. Bare with me as I seek out my authentic voice. Remembering who I was before I was called, mom, or wife. Finding, the “me” in mother.

Linked to “A Nourishing Home”

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. October 3, 2010 3:49 pm

    Kristina,

    Oh, yes. I hope to find my authentic voice too without sounding too Oprah Winfrey. 🙂

    ::I strive to plant my feet in a place and my soul in a heart that feels like home.  Maybe it is love within me stirring like a broken circuit::

    Love this. Maybe this is authenticity, huh? To find our way back Home?

    Journeying with you,
    Vi a

    P.S. I am going to do the McLinky to my Wed. Post and add yours. Is that ok? I would love my readers to read this post!

  2. sally permalink
    October 4, 2010 8:53 pm

    wow I just loved reading this today I never try to think about how I feel or where I am too many other people with too many other needs always looking at Bill he is my touch stone I feel like I am alway monitoring how he feels adjusting my self like a planet revoling around him as Catherine screams mom!

    • October 4, 2010 9:33 pm

      “…always looking at Bill he is my touch stone I feel like I am alway monitoring how he feels adjusting my self like a planet revoling around…” What a great metaphore. I really like how you described this Sal. Thanks for sharing. Perhaps taking the time to be present with yourself is time worth taking.

  3. November 27, 2015 6:29 pm

    Reblogged this on Crunchy Soup and commented:

    Recurring themes abound

Trackbacks

  1. Mattson Family Highlights of 2010 « Crunchy Soup

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