When I started to blog in 2003 it was a venture of personal expression. My hopes. My fears. My dreams. My life.
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
Patience is a virtue of which I have plenty.
Are these captions truly reflective of who I am. What can you glean from this? Can you feel passion the of my soul, the perspective of my eyes, the weight of each breath I inhale, the restlessness of my feet? I feel like no matter what I write, or what I project, I remain an enigma, mainly to myself. I am in this self-proclaimed box of a career. I have allowed nursing to define me, I should define it. Though, the meticulous nature of nursing is an aspect of my multifaceted nature.
I need an outlet of expression.
I yearn to paint, sing, write, speak, and love.
Patience is a virtue of which I have plenty. The Lord will reveal His plan for me.
Side note : I strive to plant my feet in a place and my soul in a heart that feels like home. Maybe it is love within me stirring like a broken circuit. [omit] This sounds sad…but I am not sad…just pensive. Sad and happy at the same time. [I am] Just hoping to meet people who can inspire, teach, and ignite my soul and vice versa.
I am “The Girl Who Might” have a really boring blog about nothing personal.
What am I afraid of?
Getting too honest with you? Perhaps.
Getting too honest with myself? Probably.
Retaliation from [omit] for speaking my mind about the state of my career? Most definitely. (Already happened).
How can I be authentic on this blog?
A lot has changed in my life and in my self since I started blogging in 2003.
I now define my “self” first as mother, (I sit here blogging hoping my daughter will stay asleep long enough for me to down my coffee…whoops, I spoke to soon. She is up.) Second, as wife to my love, Guy. I am BEYOND lucky to have a such a wonderful, loving, caring husband. Third, as a nurse.
But where am I?
Where is Kristina?
Why define myself at all? I guess it is what we do as humans. Organize our lives into neat little boxes. Since I am on the subject of “definition”. Mother hood defines a woman, even if she likes it or not. We discover the best and the worst self (s) through motherhood (and fatherhood). Children are authentic. They are children, you know!
My life has changed and to deny this change is to deny my life. How I look at myself, my values, and priorities are forever changed by motherhood. It’s not just about me anymore.
But where am I?
:::later in the day:::
Amelia said something profound, yet simple, to me while I was driving.
“Mommy’s lost, where you goin’ mom? Go back mom.”
She had noticed, I missed the turn on to our street. (Did I mention Amelia is 29 months old?)
Authenticity? What is it? How do I find it?
Authenticity isn’t a destination to be found, it is something I am striving to be.
It is reflected in my roles as mother, wife, and in my career as a nurse. But isn’t it more than this?
I will attempt from now on to be more, authentic for you. But mainly for me. So, when I look back on this blog, it will be more than a collection of household tips, recipes, or quips about my children.
I desire to write as I once did, unencumbered.
Can I accomplish this? I don’t know.
Without sounding too much like an “Oprah Winfrey” guest. Bare with me as I seek out my authentic voice. Remembering who I was before I was called, mom, or wife. Finding, the “me” in mother.
Linked to “A Nourishing Home”